There’s a joke about women liking their men to be like their chocolate: rich and… something. I can’t remember how it goes, and the only other adjectives I can think of that describe both men and chocolate are dark or white. Neither of those is particularly politically correct (which I assume was a consideration since I first saw the joke on a napkin), so I’m pretty sure that’s not how the joke goes. In fact, it may even compare men to coffee, not chocolate.
I never was very good at delivering a punch line.
Anyway, the comparison is somewhat irrelevant for me, as chocolate or coffee with blue eyes would be creepy. But I am a fan of chocolate and coffee in their own rights, and chocolate and coffee together is a winning combination.
Which brings me to frozen mocha cheesecake, a favorite of mine growing up. My mom’s best friend would make it and I would draw patterns on the frozen top with my fork, and wish that she’d given me a bigger slice. It’s cold and creamy and unhealthy (none of which I would like my men to be) and absolutely perfect for summer.
Since I went vegan, frozen mocha cheesecake has been at the top of my list of summer desserts to recreate – here’s my vegan, gluten-free and refined sugar-free version.
Frozen Mocha “Cheesecake”
One cup hazelnut flour
One quarter cup cacao powder
Pinch of salt
Five medjool dates, pitted
Half teaspoon vanilla
Half tablespoon coconut oil, melted
One and a quarter cups raw cashews, soaked five or six hours
Three quarter cups almond milk
One quarter cup plus one tablespoon coconut oil
One quarter cup brown rice syrup
Two tablespoons espresso
Pinch of salt
Half cup chocolate chips, melted
Clear out some space in your freezer. Wrap the base of an eight-inch springform pan in saran wrap.
Combine crust ingredients in a food processor and press into the springform pan. Set aside.
Combine all filling ingredients in a blender. Blend until well mixed.
Pour into the springform pan, and freeze for at least six hours.
Defrost slightly before slicing and serving (dipping a sharp knife in hot water before slicing also helps).
Store any leftovers in the freezer (slicing the whole cheesecake at once and wrapping leftover slices in wax paper before storing makes the future freezer-to-mouth process faster).
Final thoughts: a Google search leads to multiple comparisons between men and both chocolate and coffee. Apparently I was wrong and the chocolate lovers are a fan of dark men, after all — or sweet men (I should have thought of that one. Clearly I’ve been watching too much Mad Men and my mildly obscene crush on Don Draper has skewed my judgement). Coffee lovers like their men strong. And Google also suggested that I might like my men like whisky… I didn’t investigate further but I can’t imagine I would want an older, smoky and alcoholic man.
Although that does describe Don Draper quite well.
Google really does know everything.