my text message history

Kimberly [11:06 AM] – Are you still alive? I was led to believe you would be back this week.

Kimberly [1:50 PM] – Your lack of reply has caused me to conclude that you are indeed dead. This makes me sad, but it also makes it completely acceptable for me to consume the slice of coconut cream pie I brought for you.

Kimberly [2:08 PM] – I am taking your silence as tacit compliance.

Rob [2:09 PM] – I am not dead. I’ll be back tomorrow at lunch. Save the pie.

Kimberly [2:10 PM] – Damnit.

Coconut Cream Pie

Adapted from the Food Network


one and a half cups graham cracker crumbs (give or take)
five tablespoons melted butter

three quarters cup sugar
one can (398 mL or 14 oz) coconut milk (use premium please, none of that light crap)
enough half and half to add to the coconut milk that it becomes two cups (okay, okay. That’s about 100 mL or 2 oz)
half cup milk (I used half and half above because I had some I needed to use up, but using all milk or all half and half would be fine)
quarter cup cornstarch
five egg yolks
half teaspoon salt
one cup shredded, unsweetened coconut
two teaspoons vanilla (bonus points for subbing the seeds from a real vanilla bean)
one tablespoon butter
whipped cream and coconut flakes, to garnish


Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
Mix your graham crumbs and butter and press into the base of a 9″ pie plate (I made a bit extra so I could do a pie plate and two tartlettes). Bake for ten minutes, and set aside to cool.
In a saucepan, combine sugar, coconut milk and half and half. Scald the mixture over medium-high heat (for those less familiar with technical baking terms, which includes me: you’re looking for some bubbles along the edge and some steam, but don’t bring it to a boil).
In a small bowl, stir the milk with the cornstarch until your spoon doesn’t get stuck in a cornstarch bog.
In a medium bowl, whisk the egg yolks with the salt. Pour about half a cup of the scalded milk mixture into the egg yolks to temper them (heat them slowly so you don’t pour them into the coconut milk and get little poached egg yolk pits). Pour the tempered mixture back into the scalded milk pan, and add the cornstarch mixture as well.
Over medium heat, whisk like a madman (without splashing yourself) until it thickens – this took me about five minutes.
Remove from heat and whisk in vanilla, butter and shredded coconut until uniform. Pour into prepared pans.
Refrigerate for at least two hours to set. Top with whipped cream and coconut flakes.

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